Trolls Raise Bridge too High

Golden Gate rollercoaster frightens drivers

June 28, 2010

After two hefty trolls raised the Golden Gate Bridge to levels never before seen by commuters, bridge directors fended off scores of complaints.

"I had to gun it to get over the hump to Mill Valley," said Priscilla Fink, a Marin County resident. "The trolls scared my two-year-old daughter. She screeched."

The prolonged recession has cut into bridge revenues, and directors figured the troll raising would stimulate tourism. But the plan backfired. District president Albert Boro waded through cranky voice mails.

"One troll ate a sack lunch at the lookout vista parking lot," said Jackie Swoons of Wisconsin. "She didn't even wear any pants. I'm from the Midwest. It was almost obscene. I looked away at first. Then I looked back."

Drivers who traverse the bridge as part of their employment were particularly incensed. "When trolls raise bridges, you make it tougher for truckers like me," said Barry Smalley, president of the Big Cities Dump Truck Council. "You don't want to take a dump on a hill. You just don't."

Even San Francisco residents griped about the span's curvy new trajectory. "It was foggy one morning, almost ghostly, and I nearly ran over a troll thumb," said Brenda Zaster, an attorney in the city. "Think what a jury could do to me if I squished a troll digit. The liability is higher than the roadway."

—James Dunn
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