Tony Hayward Enjoys Dodgy Yacht
Dethroned CEO drifts in paper vessel on Gulf gunk
June 22, 2010
BP's CEO Tony Hayward took a respite from his Congressional excoriation last week to enjoy a float in his private yacht, a 32-inch showboat constructed of soiled notes on 80-weight premium bond paper from Georgia-Pacific.
"It's relaxing," Hayward said as he bobbed on murky waters off Louisiana's coast. "And it puts me fully in touch with displaced little fisherpeople. I feel their pain. I am but a snookered shrimp in dark swirling oil."
The oil executive took a drubbing in Congress, showing too little emotion and paltry remorse as he defended BP's efforts to stanch an oil spill that has reached epic proportion while millions of gallons of crude oil have spewed into the Gulf of Mexico over two months. The company suspended dividend payouts, allocated $20 billion for a relief fund and restricted Hayward to 20-weight bond paper for any future yacht construction.
"Lighter paper is fine with me," Hayward said. "Makes me more vulnerable, more sensitive to the cormorants, seagulls and diddled urchins in these waters made into a real dog's dinner by my company's own hand. The craft is seaworthy though the Gulf be duff and I a bit of a gagging wanker. But do you think the U.S. could whinge a bit less about it? Watcha think of that?"
—James Dunn
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