Tiger Woods Divorce: $6 Sextillion

Golf swinger settles scandal but sleeps in wrecked SUV

August 23, 2010

Tiger Woods escaped a few claws today when he settled his divorce with Swedish beauty Elin Nordegren for $6 sextillion, more green than he made with Gatorade, AT&T, Nike and other endorsements put together. In an agreement filed in a Florida court, the divorcees promised to share joyfully in parenting their 19-month-old son and three-year-old daughter.

"If his 19th hole was a darling, this 20th is a black hole indeed," Nordegren said. "My former star will pay and play until his nose bleeds all over the green."

"A golf swinger has to be single," Woods said. "How else can I put it? But it's a steep price to pay for freedom."

The former couple's divorce lawyers calculated that the $6,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 settlement was the largest in U.S. history. "It's a whopping amount of moolah to shell out for a few dozen flings on the side," said Woods' lawyer Thomas Sasser. "I wish my fee were half as much. Tiger had better start sinking those putts if he's wants to keep his sass out of arrears."

Judge Judy Pittman Biebel presided over a brief hearing to finalize the split. "She'll have enough resources to keep the children fed, clothed and diapered," the judge said. "From what I can tell, Tiger is afraid of her claws. He'll have just enough left to repair the wrecked SUV that he drove into a tree. He can sleep in the SUV until he wins another tournament."

—James Dunn
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