Russian Women Tennis Pros Spy for KGB

Backhand shots tricked CIA and FBI for decades

July 6, 2010

Tennis pros Maria Sharapova and Anna Kournikova spied for Russian intelligence agencies and slipped secret tennis strategies back to KGB handlers for years, according to sources deep in the bowels of FBI headquarters in Washington, D.C. Both stars were arrested over the weekend and held without bail.

"Ve vorked for ze Vladimir Putin," Sharapova said in a taped confession. "He vas most interested in ze backhand shots and ze lobs. Russia vill use ze lobs for ze trickiest military offense, and ze backhand for ze missile defense."

The tennis legends, primed for their undercover roles from the time they were young girls, would write encrypted secret U.S. tennis strategies on sticky notes, hide them inside kaput tennis balls that had lost their bounce then bop them over the high fences into waiting butterfly nets of covert Russian handlers posing as court maintenance workers. "It vas environmentally friendly operation," said Anna Kournikova. "Zose balls vere good for nothing, anyvay. Ve vould slit zem open vith a razor blade the night before. No one knew of zis operation . . . until now. Ve vould bop zem from ze baseline."

Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin, former head of the KGB spy agency, has been observed using more backhand comments in recent years during top-level diplomatic negotiations, an apparent use for tennis strategies scooped up by his spies. Putin, along with President Dmitry Medvedev, has denied the covert tennis spy operation. "Ridiculous," Medvedev told the World Inquirer. "And furthermore, ridiculous! We already know how to play tennis. The U.S. could learn from us!"

According to formal charges filed, Kournikova worked as a specially trained doubles agent. "She was a doubles star," said U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder. "Her doubles career was no accident. The confidential information she released could damage America's reputation at next year's Wimbledon. Or worse."

If convicted of espionage, Kournikova and Sharapova could face up to 20 years in prison. "We would like to imprison her," Holder said of Kournikova. "She has been spying right under our noses. We have the tennis balls to prove this. At least we caught them before they started using ball machines to send larger volumes of information. Their anti-American conduct is appalling. Have you seen these two? Dangerous. I wouldn't mind imprisoning them until they reach middle age."

—James Dunn
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