Congress Boosts Retirement Age to 90

Jack LaLanne juices carrots to cut Social Security payouts

July 1, 2010

Ninety is the new sixty-five, according to a new law enacted by Congress on July 4th to step up the retirement age and keep baby boomers working until age 90. The administration hired fitness juicer Jack LaLanne, 95, to promote the old-is-young program with swimming pools of freshly juiced carrots. Stripes on the nation's flags will be shifted slightly from red to carrot to help Americans get into the healthy spirit.

"Liquidate carrots instead of assets," LaLanne said, doing the breast stroke across a swimming pool filled with carrot juice. "Juice is patriotic, not idiotic."

The new retirement age will kick in for baby boomers born after September 1, 1946. LaLanne suggested that the extra 25 years of work life for boomers will save Social Security billions of dollars in payouts. "I'm the carotene rabbit and I have become real," he said, his lips stained vermillion from guzzling juice. "C'mon in, the carrot juice is fine. Once you get used to carrot juice and a longer work life, we'll move on to celery. Yummmm! In celery juice, I switch to the backstroke!"

President Obama held the line at carrots. "No, Jack," he said, chuckling, "celery juice is going too far." Boomers will be encouraged to swim laps every morning in pools filled with carrot juice. "It's for your own good," Obama reminded reluctant formerly eligible retirees who shivered before their morning dips. "So what if you inhale a bit of carrot juice when you do your flip turns in the crawl? Just imagine you're Michael Phelps. Pull on your swimsuits. We can juice this budget deficit thing. Come on, America!"

Congress issued a decree updating the song Stars and Stripes Forever by John Philip Sousa with a new name: Stars and Carrot Strips Forever.

LaLanne shared a secret aphrodisiac of his long married life. "If the carrot juice is raw, you can swim in the raw," he said with a wink. "Just get in front of the inflow jets then watch out! It's like Viagra Falls!"

—James LaDunne
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