Obama Bites British Pockets for U.S. Bailout
BP's mucky oil mess ruined his presidency
June 10, 2010
President Barack Obama tightened financial screws on British Pockets today by demanding that the oil giant bail out the entire U.S. recession with a tab of $4 trillion. Obama wants BP to pay salaries of any American who has lost a job in the past three months, with annual cost-of-mucking raises guaranteed for the next five years.
"They tarnished my image along with Gulf Coast beaches," Obama said of the BP oil spill. "They must pay for all jobs lost as a result of the cynical malaise that has settled over folks who voted for me. BP's green flower can wilt along with mine."
Obama noted that BP's checks to compensate for cleanup and wrecked fisheries all cleared the bank. "Unlike America, BP doesn't have to borrow. That should tell you something," Obama said. "We want some of that."
BP stock soared on the news after having dropped by 50 percent during the Gulf Coast leak crisis. The company has had annual profits of $50 billion for several years. "No need for Mr. Obama to get all cheesed off about us droppin' a clanger," said Lord Tony Hayward, BP's king. "Let's have a bit of a chin wag about this. We adore America. How quaint it is for an American Tea Party to have sprouted up this year. Warms me heart, it does. Makes me want to bonk the Statue of Liberty, though that's a bit French. I'm on a bender today! All right then! Another round for America! Cheers!"
—James Dunn
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