BP Hires Tom Cruise for 'Top Kill' Mudding
Hotshot gooses leaking oil well in risky business
Parody, May 26, 2010
British Petroleum has hired Scienfullofit actor Tom Cruise for its "Top Kill" plot to dump heavy drilling mud on the leaking Deepdoodoo Horizon oil well after a month of futzing around in the Gulf of Mexico.
"This leak has turned the color of money at BP from green to red, makes me sick," said Lamar McKay, president of BP America. "There are only a few good men who can hotshot this mudder fetching job. It's almost an impossible mission, but if Tom can just Jerry McRig that thing, we can all go home to mama."
Cruise donned the dark glasses from his role in the 1986 Top Gun movie and dipped his big toe into the murky Gulf. "It's a privilege to call myself a Scienfullofit," he said. "When you swim past a vile accident like this, peeew!, you know you have to do something. You know you are the only one who can really help. You are either on board or you are not on board. I don't mince words. I'm gonna kill this plume."
According to a news flash from Peewlitzer-prize-winner Bob Woodward, if Cruise fails to stem the leak, BP already has backup plans to hire Deepwater Throat due to his experience with Watergate. "Hey," said BP's McKay, "a leak is a leak. You either have experience with a water-related leak or you don't. Deepwater Throat knows about leaks. We need his leak expertise. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to the men's room to gain executive experience."
—James Dunn
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