Obama Borrows $1 Quadrillion

Intergalactic Bank lender of universal last resort

Parody, May 12, 2010

If you go to your bank and ask to withdraw $1 trillion in cash, the teller will probably ask if you want the money in hundred dollar bills, just to save time. She'll deal out the hundreds to you one second at a time, 24 hours a day, for about 317 years. A trillion bucks takes time. That's why there's a line behind you.

Central bankers of Europe last weekend borrowed nearly $1 trillion to bail out Greece, Italy, Spain, Portugal and other countries that borrowed too much. The United States borrowed several trillion dollars to bail out Bear Stearns, AIG, banks, General Motors and Chrysler, and to provide individual scratching posts for all legs of all centipedes and millipedes worldwide. That doesn't include lollipops for other global insects.

But it's not enough. The U.S. debt is about $14 trillion, almost as much as U.S. GDP of $14.2 trillion, which is 23 percent of world GDP of $62 trillion. Nobody has enough money, even penurious Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke.

So President Barack Obama has negotiated a $1 quadrillion loan from the Mars branch of Intergalactic Bank. A quadrillion is a thousand trillions. "This should be enough to cover my adminstration's needs through 2016, including cash care reform," Obama said. "But I've left the line of credit open in case of the unforeseen."

The Mars Interbank Offered Rate (MIBOR) on the loan is just .1 percent. "It's a good rate," Obama said. "They have more money intergalactically than we're used to seeing down here. The galaxy is awash in sloshing cash. Need some for local school art and music programs? Just ask and ye shall receive."

Actress Pamela Anderson heard about the big loan as she spun off Dancing with the Stars. "Is there a sextillion dollars for me? Now there's a number I like," Anderson said. "That covers a lot of assets."

The Intergalactic Bank is accustomed to jumbo loan demands, such as the $200 trillion to God just a few millenia ago. That was supposed to cover His expenses plus mileage through year 3010. God was profligate and went back to the window for more.

—James Dunn
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