Kevin Costner Blockbuster: Oilytoiletworld

Actor dances with British Petroleum wolves

Parody, May 27, 2010

Kevin Costner has negotiated a deal with BP executive wolverines to direct and star in the biggest-budget movie in Hollywood history, a $100 billion picture that started filming on location in the Gulf of Mexico a month ago. "Oilytoiletworld" involves re-plumbing the Gulf to function as Earth's toilet then flushing its contents back to the molten rock sewer that flows beneath the planet's upper crust.

"The explosion and leak on the oil well in the Gulf, that's act one," Costner explained. "Florida will serve as our toilet's handle. That's what they get for hanging out their chads to elect Bush. If we jiggle Florida, this will wrap in time for Christmas release."

Once the movie filming ends and oil-fouled water returns to its source deep in the Earth's bowels, the Gulf toilet will remain in place to flush any other uglies. "We have soiled our world. Time to flush," Costner said. "Nuclear turds, swish gone. Kohler would be proud. Tiger Woods's bowlful of oily dreck. . . flush it. Got anything else you want to disappear? This toilet is big enough for anything."

Earth waste will slosh down special piping coated with heat-resistant porcelain.

"Our plumbing subcontractors will need oven mitts to handle connections to the molten sewers near the Earth's core," Costner said. "Those pipe wrenches will be hot. Once that last nut is tightened, bring on your flotsam, your jetsam. Even if the movie tanks, the septic won't."

—James Dunn
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