Oil Uncles Dog-paddle in Gunk
Invigorating and unctuous, says BP president
of daily dips
Parody, May 13, 2010
Three unctuous oil industry executives testified unctuously under Senate interrogation on May 11 about their companies' grotesque unctuousness in the Gulf Coast spill where five million gallons of crude oil have already fouled the waters. The environmental nightmare at the (p)unctured Deepwater Horizon well gives new yuckiness to the word "uncles."
Lamar McKay, uncle of BP America, Steven Newman, uncle of Transocean Ltd., and Tim Probert, uncle of Halliburton's Global Business Lines, held slimy hands in a circle and swore to shift the blame, the whole blame and nothing but the blame to the guy on their right.
Members of the Senate's Energy and Natural Resources Committee nodded solemnly and then ordered the executives to undergo a daily dip in the Gulf waters until the mess is cleaned up.
"It's bracing and invigorating!" said BP's McKay as he poured an entire gallon of Dawn dishwashing detergent down the front of his swimming trunks. "Want lubed up for your backstroke? Now that's a slick willy."
"My dog paddle is slipperier than your creepy crawl," said Proburp of Hellaburpin as he splashed in the murky deeps. "We soaked the feds after Dick Cheney got us contracts to rebuild following the Gulf War. Do it again, Dick. Engulf us in contracts to rebuild after this Gulf spoiling."
Button down the fat cat paddlers: Hurricane Katrina may be brought back to disperse oil into the atmosphere, where it will be ignited in a giant cleanup flare over Iceland's volcano Eyjafjallajokull, nicknamed Eyfull. And what is it with sad-sack catastrophe magnet New Orleans? Sheesh. Rename it Uncle Orleans.
—James Dunn
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