Gavin Newsom Scowls at Police Scandals
Mayor suggests soft-on-crime release of hundreds of convicts
Parody, May 5, 2010
San Francisco reeled under recent police and district attorney scandals that embarrassed Mayor Gavin Newsom and sent his social networking popularity into the toilet. Online, bleepin' tweeps tittered about Newsom's decline that rivaled Greek tragedy in its trajectory of precipitous decline.
SF crime lab technician Deborah Madden allegedly swiped cocaine from the evidence in drug cases, potentially jeopardizing the outcomes of hundreds of cases. Reports suggested that Madden allegedly used purloined cocaine to mask a drinking problem which she used to mask a Halloween problem.
"She is masking my political future with dark circles under my eyes," Newsom said, looking worried indeed. Dark storms swirled across his usually sunny visage. "Even our glorious Golden Gate Bridge, the beacon of leaky oil tankers worldwide, swayed a bit when these revelations rose with the sun over Oakland," he said.
San Francisco's troubles only got worse. District Attorney Kamala Harris's peeps allegedly forgot to let Public Defender Jeff Adachi's peeps know that perhaps dozens of police witnesses in criminal cases had their own undisclosed convictions and even shady pasts. "It's the bad convicting the bad," Newsom quipped. "It'll soon be the bad wrecking my good intentions of winning public office in Sacramento. Bleech! OK then. Fling open the jailhouse gates. Let them all go free. Emancipate the City by the Bay!" He called for 100 percent layoffs in the police department and pointed to significant savings to alleviate budget crunch.
Newsom declared a one-year moratorium on police enforcement of all laws within the city of San Francisco. "It's not as if we're soft on crime out here," Newsom implied, "just that we're soft on leadership, which has led to a softening of resolve, which has led to flaccidity in moral compassing." To redirect public attention, Newsom offered this plea: "There is never enough Viagra to go around," he said. "Please pass the lubricant. I'm gonna need it."
—James Dunn
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