Obama Dips into Fishy Wall Strait
Thousand-point plunge prompts 100 percent tax
Parody, May 7, 2010
The Dow's thousand-point tsunami drop on May 6 sent waves up and down Wall Strait and sent President Barack Obama diving for his swimming trunks. "It's an opportunity for surfing adventure on a sea of disappearing cash," Obama said. "But watch out. It could be treacherous out there, and something smells fishy to me." The pres was spotted underwater in the company of some pretty big fish on the Strait. Secret Service guppies swam by as the president muscled through heavy waters off the coast of New York.
The president has launched an investigation into severe trading undercurrents that may have led to the diving market. Over the weekend he imposed emergency maritime law on the Strait. All short-trading profits from last week's waviness will be taxed at short-term capital gains rates of 100 percent under the administration's Special Maritime Powers Act, signed by Nancy Pelosi in a boat under the Golden Gate Bridge.
"Wall Strait is awash in conniption," Pelosi said. Before signing the new bill, she held out her pen and quickly waved it up and down to show how rubbery the implement had become in these tricky waters.
The emergency 100 percent tax may be extended beyond short-term capital gains to add a new brackishness to the income tax code. "We can solve our budget crisis by taxing private sector fat cats at 100 percent for the next few years," Obama said. "With the new waves of cash washing onto federal shores, the deep-sea socialized fishing net will be expanded to include little fish as well as big fish who used to swallow those little fish. As soon as everybody answers to the government, corrupt trading will be a backwater of the past, and halcyon days will surely come to America."
—James Dunn
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