Stocks 'Flash Crash' Tied to Black Hole

Quintuple-witching hour accelerated drain

Parody, May 19, 2010

A powerful black hole passing through our galaxy near Wall Street caused the alarming volatility in the U.S. stock market on May 6, according to SEC special investigator Stephen Hawking, a British theoretical physicist.

"A black hole is a region of space that sucks down stock prices," said Hawking in a tone of quantum gravity. "Extremely compact hunks of mass can deform spacetime and result in black holes."

"I have seen hunks compact enough to deform my spacetime and cause insider trading," said Kim Cattrall, English-born star of Sex and the City. "Some hunks can turn a triple-witching hour into a quintuple-witching hour that affects my futures contracts."

Despite the triplicity of its name, the triple-witching hour occurs four times a year and affects speculative stock index futures and options, resulting in additional volatility. "In quantified mechanics, even a dark hole can add witching hours to a volatile market," Hawking explained, "and a black hole almost always yields more broom stocks as the market sweeps away irrational exuberance."

Convicted fraudster Ivan Boesky was seen near Wall Street on May 6 seeking tips about sinking direction inside the black hole.

Hawking warned that the Coriolis force is unrelated to stock action or even sink action. "Like a sink, a stock market drains according to the direction it was filled or by vortices created during hand washing," Hawking said. "It has nothing to do with which hemisphere you're in when you buy shares. Extra hand washing encouraged by the government to reduce swine flu transmission over the winter also has contributed to the drain on stock prices."

—James Dunn
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