Bike Racer Floyd Landis Admits Vampire Past

Type AB negative PR his favorite midnight snack

Parody, May 20, 2010

Bike racer Floyd Landis, Pennsylvania's dethroned winner of the 2006 Tour de France, has admitted his long struggle with hemoholism. Landis made wild allegations about blood-tasting tours in the rolling verdant hills of Normandy before his big win that mutated into big lose.

"I sneaked into Lance Armstrong's apartment and sipped his blood," Landis alleged. "Lance's type-AB neg lingers on the palate with hints of mango and jockstrap. A water bottle of that with French brie . . . oooh." He sighed, drew together the cycling-gloved fingers and thumb of his right hand and kissed them with gusto. "Mmoi!" he exclaimed. "Mais oui! Blood and bikes, a combination parfait!"

Landis used blood, testosterone condiments and human growth hormones to boost his racing performance. "I can't take full credit for my Tour de France win in '06," alleged Landis, who rode on racing teams sponsored by the U.S. Postal Service and Phonak Hearing Systems. "I had a bit of Lance pumping through my arteries. It was pure team spirit thrill. We did it together. It was dope."

—James Dunn
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